It's funny with fiction - once you cut something, it hasn't happened anymore.
- George Saunders
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When you are not treated seriously, you develop comically. Its sense of oneself is so fractured and fragile that it's like the picked-on kid who has to become funny.
- Scott Thompson
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Robert Orben
It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.
- Gertrude Stein
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde
I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.
- Uma Thurman
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.
- Julia Louis-Dreyfus