Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.
- Jeff Ross
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When the sun comes up I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- H. L. Mencken
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
- Logan P. Smith
You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
- Donald Trump
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
I know people will think it's funny because I've done glamour modelling in the past, but I felt embarrassed about my body and just wanted to cover it up.
- Jennifer Ellison
It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more.
- Matt Groening