A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner
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It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them!
- Emily Giffin
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
- Richard Dawkins
I mean sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor and they just don't deliver because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful and they get that mixed up sometimes or don't even notice that that's the thing.
- Eddie Izzard
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
- Elayne Boosler
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
- Lewis Black
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
- Denis Leary
Stealing, you'll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
- Mike Judge
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg