My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English.
- Margaret Cho
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The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.
- Billy Corgan
I think serial monogamy says it all.
- Tracey Ullman
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.
- Jerry Lewis
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Johnny Carson
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.
- Jennifer Aniston
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
- Chevy Chase