If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
- Will Rogers
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I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.
- Rachael Ray
If at first you don't succeed blame your parents.
- Marcelene Cox
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
- Adam Carolla
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
- Lucille Ball
When you are not treated seriously, you develop comically. Its sense of oneself is so fractured and fragile that it's like the picked-on kid who has to become funny.
- Scott Thompson
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith